I've had this stickies concept in mind for some time. But I also have a distinct lack of technical prowess for implementing it in a timely manner. I'd originally thought of displaying the most recent Feedbackless Feed thought on the home page, linking to the feed (which I may still do at some point). But then I wrote a Feedbackless Feed thought that ended with three statements that resonated so strongly with me (That sounds weird because I wrote them, so why wouldn't they resonate with me? But something about the FBF is that I write into it without thinking much...I just...write. So it comes out without as much pre-thought and editing as writing for posts or for social platforms...and I can "surprise myself"...)
     All three hit on the challenges of self-presentation (among many other themes). As I got into in my footnote about "The Cover," "I am not an elevator pitch" cuts deep for me. I was also (at the time of writing the FBF thought) self-conscious about the nature of my art. My art has never been "standard." It's never taken the form of paintings or sculptures (though it has, at time, incorporated both). It's definitely never been something anyone would put on their wall. If you need a beautifully crafted anything—don't come to me. My strength lies in making things from what I have or can find. And/or what I generate entirely (conceptually, performatively). And/or my own body and self as medium. I've jokingly stated in the past that I'm best at MaGyvering things.
     When I built a home out of a bus, I hired people for the cabinetry. My contributions were everything non-standard. Figuring out how to make things work in ways no one would have thought to. Ways that were probably not the most efficient, but that..worked. For example, I suspended a supplementary water container above my sink by using an old metal fan casing and discarded chains. A nice, custom-crafted wooden shelf would have fit the overall space well and been quite lovely. But I delighted in my solution. Not something I consider art, but representative of what way in which I work.
     Still, I know that MagGyver art is often downgraded. For me, it's purposeful. I want my art approachable. I want it to be recognizable. I want it to be raw. It's purposeful. Yet I am self-conscious that it can come across as "amateur" or "low brow." Or unintentionally rough. And I want to rail against these conceptions. And delight in the manner in which I create.
     So, I decided I wanted to have those three thoughts prominent on the home page. And I wanted them to be in sticky-note form, because that's the form my website takes. What you see here in HTML is only the tip...most of my website lives in sticky notes covering the blackboard by my desk (as well as scrawlings on the adjoining whiteboard). But it's the sticky notes that hold my website most fully. When I have a spark hit, I capture it as fast as possible in an anticipatory sticky note and place it amongst all the others awaiting their manifestation.
     I wanted the notes on the home page to look like I'd done the same thing...physically stuck them there haphazardly when capturing a spark. Given my extremely spotty, self-taught CSS abilities, it took me an absurd amount of time to position them (especially accounting for all viewports). I am 100% certain there are far more elegant, simpler, and more advisable ways to have gone about it. I did media query ranges with painstakingly manual positioning of each note. I'd love to be able to add and remove stickies at will, and place them in different parts of the site as easily as I shift them around on my blackboard. But at least at the moment, my desires outpace my skillset. So, for now, these three shall occupy their space as they do.
     Credit for the sticky notes: I adapted them from this Codepen by Suzanne Aitchison.↩

Look. The reasons behind this deserve their own series of posts (or books even). Perhaps a treatise? It echoes, in many ways, the same themes underlying the "Existentiall Email Footer Angst Saga" outlined in this and subsequent footnotes. (Editors note: it takes me a while in this footnote to get to what most people would consider "the actual point." If you're not one for taking the full AuDHD long walk—all of which does matter for me...and I think other neurodivergent may connect the threads(?)...but can be TOO MUCH for many—you can jump to this part of the footnote.)
     Like the deep-seated wounds of how to "present" myself. How to navigate the world of networking and social dynamics that is anathema to my neurology—to so many neurodivergent people. The shared mourning of lost opportunities, lost connections, lost selves as so many of us neurodivergent people contort and mask and erase ourselves to try to "present" in a way that's required but never explained.
     And even beyond neurodivergence, the bind creative people are often place within: having to be our own PR, marketing, social media managers, promotional team...how the dominant (obligatory?) means of distributing our creative works come with the should-crushing side effect of shifting art, writing, creative expression into "content" and artists, writers, entire humans into "content creators."
     Okay I get that's all a bit nebulous. So for more concrete reasons: I'm (always) battling with which framing I should present myself within, and with which "tone": professional, personal, artistic, snarky, activist-focused, relatable, authentic, serious, etc. (That is a blend of frames and tones...I'm a bit too brain-fogged to sort them proper, so enjoy parsing!) All of these are facets of myself. It's not that any one is "false" or "fake." What is fake is only being one or two or three. I'm all of them.
     I'm getting off track. When I think about all the directions I feel pulled in: creating and writing here on my website, getting involved more in my local art and writing scenes, getting involved more in the online poetic web, submitting my art and writing to local venues, submitting them to larger venues or smaller online venues and communities, maybe—someday somehow?—even submitting a memoir to a....publisher... Each of these "requires" I present myself completely differently. That I establish a completely different "public presence"...that I write completely different emails with different sign-offs. That I create completely different CVs highlighting completely different things. To "optimize" for each requires entirely different....everything.
     When I'm in the mindset of perhaps applying to shows, or submitting my art and writing places, I look at this website and think: "well, shit...that's quite unprofessional, now isn't it?" Even though I (as a human) am drawn to the rawness of humans. Even in professional settings. (I'm not saying I can't be professional...I can put on that verbiage and tone. I can also shift into an intellectual academia skin and occupy it quite decently...with genuinely proper footnotes and formatting and densely-written texts burdened with unnecessarily obscure vocabulary.) (I'm also not saying there's not a time and place for genuine professionalism.) <--can you do two parentheticals in a row? (Look, I said I can write properly. Not that I am currently.)
     Okay, let's fucking refocus on the breadcrumbs, shall we? (Though actually...I’ll just give a caveat to this entire footnote that my body has been a right asshat for the last few months, and has stepped up its game in the last few weeks, so I'm writing this through a barely-firing brain.) But onward...
     ANYWAY. I was considering how I should maybe have a slightly more professional "landing page" online that is closer to a "normal" About-Me-Elevator-Pitch. A brief bio that somehow captures the range of me, but without all the exposition, and that leans more towards credentials and professionalism.
     I've had the domain for my full name for many years. It initially redirected to my artist website (which I had to wipe from the face of the planet for reasons I plan to write about). Then it redirected to my nonprofit's website (which I realize retroactively is quite apt given the entirety of my identity was consumed by that work). Once I launched this here website, I redirected it here. So I figured this could be its new role: to be my "more professional" presence online. My "elevator pitch." And I could email from that domain when it felt prudent to present myself with less mess attached. (To be clear: I view this website as a serious artistic endeavor. It's the current focus of my "professional" artistic and writing practice. I also know that is not likely apparent to most people when taking a cursory glance. And our world sadly runs on cursory glances.)
     So I set off to try for an "elevator pitch." The hardest thing ever for me: consolidate myself into something brief...distill the whole of myself into a few sentences. And spin it all just right so that no one can sense how much of an imposter I feel like every moment in this world...no matter how many degrees I have, how many things I accomplish. Try, for once, to not be my own worst pitch person. Try to nail that elusive "sweet spot" no one can ever explain to my neurodivergent brain, but by which we're all measured.
     And guess what? It turned out reading far more like everything here on fromemily.com than its intended purpose. It's kind of a mini-mess...definitely hyper-self-aware. Still, it is slightly more hinged. Slightly more professional. It at least is an "about me" of sorts.
     I view that website as "The Cover" and this website as "The Contents." I enjoy the idea of their relation to one another. And perhaps someday "The Cover" will be "cleaned up"...perhaps someday I will find a way to "elevator pitch" myself. Or perhaps its current state is a sign that I'm truly done contorting and erasing myself. Perhaps it's a sign that I am, in fact, not an elevator pitch.↩

I love the idea of holding the pages of a website like a book...what kind of "wear" would a beloved website show with repeat readings? Would it bear creases? Coffee stains? Would favorite pages have dog-eared corners instead of browser bookmarks? (further thought on this)↩

I remain in the process of (potentially) negotiating a detente with social media. I've alluded all over this site to my "complicated history" with social media, and how I intend to write about it more explicitly. I do intend to. It's just...still in-process, this negotiation. Though if you want something of a window in, peruse the Feedbackless Feed for plenty of social-media-angst-themed thoughts.
     I am conflicted about including links to Instagram and Facebook within this space, as I am conflicted about their use at all. For now, they shall reside on the Subscribe (gross) page. And for the sake of posterity, here is the explanatory footnote I added (in case it's later removed):

Part of the ongoing awkward negotiation with social platforms and how much prominence I want for them to have in this space (and in what form I want their presence to take...). Part of me feels the icon draws more attention to itself than the text did. ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯↩

I view this website as anything but just a website. It's not a personal blog of my life and times. It's not a holding space for my writing and art. I see it as art, as my current dominant medium. I'm still working through how to best convey this relationship, this conception. Though to communicate it fully, I’d first need to define it for myself...and part of the nature of this space is the lack of definition. The lack of clear edges and solid framing. This space is itself the exploration. Yes, it's all within the basic bones of HTML, but what a boundless skeleton to work within. This website is not a holding space for presenting work. This website is the work.

Just another small refinement in conveying the purposefully-ever-shifting state of this place (with some 90s web nostalgia thrown in). (Somewhere in the bowels of the internet lives a GeoCities website I made in the mid-90s...filled mainly with care advice, jokes, and art about ferrets...)↩

I am finding I really seek deeper interaction and engagement than anything social platforms can provide. I value sitting with words, with art, with people. My tiny little email "non-newsletter newsletter" is just me manually emailing people right now, and I kind of love that. Especially when I hear something back. Email replies take more effort than a like or a boost. And I also feel email is a kind of sacred, private space that people are so graciously welcoming my weirdness into.
     So, while I had BIG BIG FEELINGS about having an email subscribe form (just check out the saga starting here - follow the footnotes), I'm now wanting to really lean into encouraging email subscribing (for those who want to). It feels...lovely. And more human.
     Lastly, for the sake of posterity, in case I remove that email-love declaring footnote from the subscribe page in the future, here it is:

I've always found artist statements challenging. In the "art world" (no idea what that actually is), it often seems like it's not the work but how you talk about the work that matters. As someone who is utter garbage at packaging/promoting/marketing/spinning/elevator pitching anything, I've always found this...disheartening. Additionally, if words were the ideal medium for the thing, then it would be in words. (I just realized I’m saying this about this Change(log) which is...words...). I supposed I mean that the point of the Change(log) is not well-confined to or expressed in words. The moment I do that, I lose the fullness of it (or anything). Words always fail the fullness of anything.
     My brain doesn't work in words. Or even pictures. I have yet to find a way to relay how my brain processes things. Once I get it into words, it's no longer accurate. It can't be.
     Additionally, I worry that words take priority over the work itself. That they will shape how someone encounters or interprets the work—rather than allowing them to take from it what they will. (Kind of like when you watch or read something on the internet and feel one way about it, then read the comments section...or, even worse, read the comments first before taking the thing in on your own...)
     So, should I even have a statement for this thing? For anything I make? What if I went all "Untitled (___)" and never spoke about what anything I made means. Perhaps that "artistic mystique" would draw people in. But I’d also feel like the height of artistic douchbaggery...
     So for now, the imperfect, overly-constrained Artist(ish) Statement stands...with ample caveats...and that big-old "(ish)" there for a reason...↩

I added two footnotes that will certainly demonstrate my worth to the world in a way nothing else every could. (Hey, thanks, footnotes!)
     Footnote the first: Added after the word "artist" within the parenthetical of my descriptors on the Home page. In case I end up removing it entirely, here it is in all its glory for the sake of posterity:

I added "Some" before the "Stuff I've Written On This Site So Far" and a footnote attached to the "Some" in yet a further effort to make it clear to the none of you who are pressuring me that I am, in fact, writing and creating more things than are published as "official posts posts." Because I'm totally grounded and self-confident. As with the other footnotes, in case I end up removing it, here it is for the sake of posterity:

I remain constantly conflicted about what "should" be a "full post" on this website, what "should" be a page, what "should" be a passing thought shat out onto Mastodon or elsewhere, and on and on. I made the Feedbackless Feed (FBF for short) for many reasons that I've yet to elucidate. I do love having that space to release "silently". Yet some times, if I write a FBF thought that seems more developed, I have to wonder "why don't I ever just make this a post?" I see many people who blog make shorter posts...some have "notes" posts as well as "essay" posts to divide longer-form from less-developed thoughts. And honestly, if Bear allowed for more than one post type and more than one RSS feed, I would probably make the FBF posts into their own post type and feed.
     But back to putting of the FBF into the navigation menu... When I write these more-developed-they-could-maybe-approximate-a-"note"-type-post FBF posts that I have some desire for them to be more "visible". SO, while I'm still unsure if I’ll ever post shorter-form, undeveloped thoughts as "actual posts" on this site, for now, I decided to up the visibility of the FBF the littlest bit by placing it in the navigation menu. I don’t know how I feel about it (title of my sex tape).
     With almost everything I write or create, I'm left with "what do I do with that?" I have this angst always around "what to do with this thing I made"...even well before internet times. Internet times just injected that angst with social-media-frequency-expectation-fueled, tech-age-over-connection, and striving-culture steroids.↩

Slowly making the Feedbackless Feed more "visible." I've also experimented with "releasing" parts of it into Mastodon. I've tried making an abbreviated Mastodon post with a screenshot of the full FBF post and link to the FBF post. I've also (for now) added it to the links at the top of my Mastodon bio. I'm not sure how I feel about any of this. The FBF is (in large part) a tool I'm playing with to work towards un-fucking my brain when it comes to much of what I cover in this monster of a footnote...↩

I will likely elaborate on this project at some point. Either on the Feedbackless Feed page itself or in a post. At the moment, its purpose and my need for it call for its existence without explanation.↩

Originally on the Home page, I just had a list of the posts. Then I added a list of the Living Documents. Then I re-did the All the Things page to have some boxes, which I like the look of. In my ongoing struggle with how to organize this website and all the things that will live within it, I'm conflicted about WTAF the All the Things page should be vs the Home page vs the eventual built-in-bear-blog-blog page, etc.
     I wanted to add the boxes to the Home page given I like the way they look. BUT felt that just having the same three boxes on the Home page as the All the Things was too duplicative. But I like those boxes. And I like the idea of them and the "Stuff in the works" being more prominent on the Home page. But it did seem to make the All the Things...unnecessary?
     So, for now, I've settled with slightly altering the boxes on the Home page them to reflect the original Home page text, and only referencing the "Stuff in the works," linking to it with an anchor to its place on the All the Things page. (As if this is of any import in the scope of things...and also..I should be writing...)↩

Okay, so I was working on writing my next post. I am working on it. But I took a break that became more of a focus and decided to skew the "log" portion of the Change(log). It's only referred to as "Change(log)" in the footer and on the Home page and All the Things pages. So, I thought it would be a nice visual nod to the "not NOT unhinged" nature (and subtitle) of it to have the "(log)" portion actually unhinging itself. Thus, I spent some (well worth it) time with a little <span> and transform: rotate(6deg) translate(0, 2px); ✨ maaaaaaagic.✨↩

I'm not really aiming to make this a wiki of any kind, but I always see the things I create and write as being in communication with one another. It's also the way I think...very non-linearly...more in a chaotic web of seemingly infinite interconnected concepts. So I'm always prone to interlinking things in a concrete way...which will become more of a rich (convoluted? excessive?) experience as the amount of things on this website grows.↩

I see this Change(log) and the Website Manifesto as "living documents." Unlike posts, they will evolve and change over time. I see them as being in dialogue with the website...both reflecting/reacting to and instigating/inspiring change. I'm still torn about how to best set up my home page and my "All the Things" page (and the website as a whole structurally). I added the Living Documents to the home page, but now wonder if it's becoming too redundant with the All the Things page. (Because this is really where I should be spending my time and mental anguish...)↩

(Note: this is the 5th footnote in the "Change(log) Saga Arc: Existential Email Footer Angst." Given the nature of changelogs, you're encountering the saga in a non-sequential order.) When I found the opacity of the subscribe button was problematic for accessibility, I started increasing it by 0.01 points at a time, and tested with Google Page Speed after each bump (as to why I wanted to see how almost-not-visible I could keep the subscribe button, refer to the angst-ridden-email-form-footnote-saga of the previous changes). As absurdly intense as my issues around this entire email form are (see voluminous other footnotes), I deeply value accessibility. So, despite the discomfort I felt with each 0.01 bump (🤢), I nudged that little button back into accessible range(🤮).
      BUT THEN! I found that I could change the color of the text and maintain my desired level of opacity. It's still overall more visible than I'm comfortable with (just a brazen embodiment of my desire for readership, there in all its legibility...like some kind of writer who wants people to read the things she writes...🙄). Hasn't this been a journey...↩

(Note: this is the 3rd footnote in the "Change(log) Saga Arc: Existential Email Footer Angst." Given the nature of changelogs, you're encountering the saga in a non-sequential order.) My plan for this morning was to work on an entire other part of the website. But what did I do instead? Fucked around with making this form even LESS obvious. To apologize via CSS for even implying I may want anyone to read what I write...like the thirstiest human alive. You know what addresses deep-seated existential trauma-infused issues? CSS opacity!↩

(Note: this is the 4th footnote in the "Change(log) Saga Arc: Existential Email Footer Angst." Given the nature of changelogs, you're encountering the saga in a non-sequential order.) Thought I was done? Nope. Could have just used the opacity necessary for dark mode to be legible. But no...that make it TOO readable in light mode. And I want to deliver a consistent user experience of my degree of inner-angst.↩

(Note: this is the 1st footnote in the "Change(log) Saga Arc: Existential Email Footer Angst." Given the nature of changelogs, you're encountering the saga in a non-sequential order.) SO. I don't have the words for this yet. This is going to fall maddeningly short of what I'd like to convey. Generally, I'd just wait until I "have the right words," but one of the whole points of this website is to release things into the world while they are still "in process"...lest they never come out at all.
      The "why" behind my existential battle with putting this is form at the footer of posts is...complicated. It's something I really want to dig into in my writing and art. But it feels (and is)...big. Explaining it is made all the more challenging by how vacuously surface-level and ego-based the concepts of "reach" and self-promotion angst can seem.
      The greatest hindrance I face in creating and writing has always been "how do I get the thing I make out to people?" Even in the days before the internet, as a little overly-intense kid with dreams of writing books and making art, I agonized over "but how do you get things published or out to people?"
      This wasn't from any desire for what we've come to term "a following," nor even for external validation (though I realize denying those motivations can't help but seem like "protesting too much"). From as far back as I can remember, my drive to create was innate...a necessity. I have no doubt that the journaling, essays, poetry, and art I made as a child had a huge hand in keeping me alive (literally).
      And while I created and wrote because I needed to, I also wanted to create and write things that would touch other people. That would hopefully help other people. Especially because one of the other things that kept me alive in my formative years was the writing and art of other people. I knew that the words or forms one put into the world had the power to genuinely affect people's lives for the better.
      But the "how" of "getting it out to people" always elicited a visceral dread and terror within my child self (that has stayed with me to this day). Looking back, I understand now that it's the same dread and terror of so many "how's" in this life. It's the dread and terror born of a little neurodivergent girl, trying to find her way in a world that makes no sense...that's an outright assault to her brain's wiring... A world where violating unwritten rules of human interaction result in baffling consequences. Where nothing and no one was predictable. And thus nothing and no one was safe.
      Okay, this may seem way off track from putting a fucking email form at the base of every post. But it's all tied in there. And it's nothing I'm alone in. So many neurodivergent people struggle with navigating a world not built for our brains. A world wherein to "get anywhere" you need to know how to navigate networking, interactions, and ways of "presenting yourself" that are not only confoundingly unclear, but also profoundly damaging to "put on" for sustained periods. The cost of masking and passing has burned out so many of us...(if we even get through enough of the professional hoops to be in a position to mask and pass in the first place).
      Okay, rangy again...I get it.
      Let's skip over the last decade plus, where I somehow found my way into creating educational videos, articles, and speeches for the nonprofit I formed. Where I had the noble concept of bringing solidly-researched information to the public "where they got their information"...with that "where" being (unfortunately) social media. I wanted to bridge the gap between solid information and the accessibility of social spaces. Noble, perhaps. Sustainable? Fuck no. Damaging to my entire being? You bet. I had to inhabit those spaces. And regardless of how hard I tried to not allow it, those spaces took and took and took from me...and I found myself contorting more and more. I desperately was trying to maintain integrity while also achieving "reach"—after all, I was trying to provide a public service of sorts, so getting it out to people was key. But as the platforms devolved, the methods of gaining "reach" became more and more antithetical to everything I was aiming to accomplish...and to everything I am.
      Okay, I didn't really skip that...but that's a very, very high level peak into things.
      What I find with creating and then releasing into digital spaces is that the moment I shift from the creation to the "sharing," I lose any of the joy, satisfaction, or peace with the creative process. I lose any connection and grounding to myself. And I'm right back to being that terrified, lost little neurodivergent girl, wanting so desperately to connect with others, but not understanding how—and having already been punished and burned for trying. No one ever explained what I did wrong. I'd just get the message that I was wrong.
      ANYWAYS...email form. I do very much want people to find and read what I write. I don't need it to be everyone. (I really don't want it to be everyone) But I also don't feel satisfied writing or creating into a void. I do crave that connection. I crave making some difference for some person, like so many made for me throughout my life. That little girl still wants to help other people...even in the smallest of ways. (Probably preferring the smaller, quieter ways...) But I (like her) don't know how. And given my history in the social media hit-that-subscribe-button-give-it-a-like-get-a-free-ebook-when-you-sign-up-for-my-newsletter world, and how the last decade or so almost cost me my humanity...sharing my work, and trying to get others to find it feels...fucking gross. It feels...manufactured...fear-driven. It brings all the layers of preemptive consideration, crafting, manufacturing, optimizing🤮 that I have always viscerally abhorred. When I just want to be able to stay connected to my actual self and share openly and genuinely. But how? When it feels like every avenue we have to share our creative works are avenues that by their very nature kill (or at least deplete) the creative impulse and connection?
      SO...I put the fucking form at the bottom of the posts because yes...I do want people to know when I make stuff. But I feel torn about that fucking form being there. Because now I have so many things at the foot of the posts...email reply link, like it link (🤢), subscribe form (🤮), next post and previous posts links (these are fine, but just now there are just SO MANY "CALLS TO ACTION"). And I always give TOO MANY options, TOO MUCH information, TOO MANY words. I'm always TOO MUCH.
      "Best practices" tell you to limit your "calls to action" so as not to overwhelm people. But I AM overwhelming. I'm overwhelmed by myself. So, part of me thinks "fuck it...just leave all those calls to action down there, cause you are fucking messy and too much." But other parts of me fear looking excessive. Looking desperate. Looking like I want people to read my work. That I want people to subscribe so they know when I make more work. (Well guess what: I FUCKING DO.)
      I also have BIG feelings about anything that even vaguely approaches the hint of potentially approximating self-promotion. (See my note on my Subscribe page about the "gross" parenthetical.)
      Look...this footnote is a lot. And there's even more with all this. But I'm writing this kind of stream-of-consciousness..and if I continue that, we will be here for a few years. So let's leave this here for the time being. It's something I'll be writing more about. (Also, enjoy the subsequent "tweaks" to the form...those are more light-hearted in their footnote commentary...oh hey...there's one below this footnote! And a few above...cause this just...kept...going...)↩

(Note: this is the 2nd footnote in the "Change(log) Saga Arc: Existential Email Footer Angst." Given the nature of changelogs, you're encountering the saga in a non-sequential order.) So immediately after putting this form and the RSS/Atom link on the posts, I felt it was TOO MUCH. Too crowded. Too thirsty. Too desperate. Too "in your face". Too evident that I actually want people to read what I write (like a fucking loser...).
      So I tried to use the magic of CSS to visually reduce the evidence of my shame. I tried to make the form less evident, the text smaller, lighter. I then tried seeing if I could alter the button text from "Subscribe" to something like "Subscribe (if ya want)" or "Subscribe (gross)" (in line with my Subscribe page). (I cannot edit the button text...it's a Bear Blog-created element)
      I then tried adding additional text like following the subscribe button with "if you want to!" Or making this all seem more human by putting something like "If you want some old-school email from a real human person" above the form, and "(it's me, Emily...I'm the real human person)" below the form. Is that more relatable? Does that make it okay or permissible for me to want you to read what I write? 🙄 (One thing it did was make the footer SUPER crowded so...nope).
      So I went to bed to have dreams about this fucking post footer subscribe thing (yes, I absolutely did), and hopefully find some peace with it the next day (spoiler: I did not).↩

Have to say, I'm really getting in this ability to use var(--whatever-variable) to toggle different versions of things for light/dark mode. This is my first foray with light/dark modes and using var() in CSS. It's pretty delightful...feels a bit magic to me (as all coding does, to be honest...)↩

I don’t know how to structure & organize my website. So I wrote that I don’t know how to structure & organize it.
      I don’t have much on my website yet. So I posted a list of what I have planned.
      I'm really starting to revel in this "just say the thing out loud" approach...
      ...rather than wait for a polished product, I'm sharing the messy process.↩

"Stay large" is most definitely the official technical term...↩

I've been agonizing over how to organize, categorize, and structure the writing, art, and assorted drivel I house on this website. Organizing anything is a cognitive-gridlock-inducing nightmare for my brand of neurodivergence (just read about my BIG feelings about something as mundane as buying a BIG-ASS-BAG). The stakes are heightened further when I add in the import with which I imbue my website, art, and writing. Then add in the entire ethos of digital gardens, the arbitrary nature of reverse-chronological content display, the conflation of "new" with value in our ever-churning digital content machine world, and on and on... AND top it off with my inherent default of reacting to infinite technical configuration options with a visceral fear-response and it gets...intense.
      The hiding of the dates grew from my consideration of whether to make my "art" content posts or pages here in Bear. Pages are more "evergreen" conceptually; they don't show a date and aren't in the automated blog list. However, they also don't allow for the use of tags. And I want (eventually) to use tags for visitors (and myself) to sort through and find the various kinds of things and topics I plan to house here. SO...make them posts, right? Well...then they have a "stuckness" in time that isn't necessarily appropriate. Especially if they are a "living document" like this Change(log) or the Website Manifesto. Also, posting a "post" triggers out to RSS, and that may not always be ideal/desired. BUT...I like the idea of everything I put on this site having "equal footing". I like the idea of fighting against any drive to create hierarchy. Let it all be a big mess in one BIG-ASS-BAG that you get to reach into and shuffle about and see what you find.
      SO...ALL posts, yes? (maybe...) For now, I decided to at least hide the dates in the post lists. And put a little mess instead (hence the splatter that took me an absurd amount of time to accomplish). The rest of this organizational debate remains in process...↩

Went from #1e5c69 to #257080. Fucking. Mind. Blown.↩

Got the basis of this from Robert Birming's add-on. Took some doing to get the SVG splat to not kick the menu off its alignment...I had to create separate SVGs for the menu than the post list, which isn't ideal. But may revisit that.↩

Because we Need. More. Splats!↩

Okay, the splat creation got good to me...had to rein it in..↩

All HailL iOS glitches that will never be addressed because All Hail iOS!↩

All Hail Google Page Speed!↩

Okay, even Google Page Speed has a point now and then...I value accessibility of the web far more than I abhor Page Speed's many performance-metric-chasing-based grumblings.↩

This change made me disproportionately happy for such a tiny addition. I think it's because it feels more "me" to stain ANYTHING I have that's clean and new. (Also, while I call this a "tiny addition," it took me an absurd amount of time to achieve...as documented with the additional changes above).
     Also, also, big shout-out and all the feels to Jack McDade (of Statamic and the absolutely epic Radical Design course). Coming across Jack's website was a turning point for me in reconnecting with the joy of the web, with my own creative drive, and with how much humanity can be communicated in pixels. Check out his stuff. It's delightful.↩

I cannot decide what all to have in this bio. I want to fit too much. I also want it to be a one-liner. Not the mess it is. I also want to find a way to explain my struggles with Mastodon. With any social platform. How I yearn to connect. How I want to have a place for my work and myself to connect with others—and for me to discover and connect with other people and what they are putting into the world. Yet how, whenever I even approach these platforms (even the quieter, lovelier Mastodon), I lose touch with the very thing I'm wanting to share and connect with. I lose something of myself. I lose the grounding in myself that allows me to genuinely connect with others—rather than reaching out from a fear-driven clutching-for-connection that feels more like a manufactured inauthentic marketing pitch than anything else. Mandy Brown said it all much better in her essay "Coming Home".↩

Bear blogs have a little "toast" button built in at the bottom of posts. It's a little way to express appreciation for a post, and also influences that post appearing in the Bear Blog Discover feed for a time. I have mixed feelings about the toast button on my own posts. Coming from a decade+ of producing educational content released onto social media platforms (and, more so, the inherent necessity to therefore inhabit and contort myself and my work to those platforms), I have a visceral repulsion and disquiet to any kind of "like/follow/subscribe" verbiage or functionality. (see my Subscribe (gross) page...).↩

I did this after spending the greater part of my "dedicated writing time for my second-ever post" getting stuck on what voice/framing of myself to write from. After my first post, I felt I needed to write in that exact same voice. That same off-the-cuff rawness that people connected with. But the post I’m working on is evolving with a different voice. Different parts of me needing to be heard. And I so often too often almost always always end up silencing the parts of me that don't align with whatever framing I or others have chosen.
      I'm adamant not to do that this time. Not here. Not on my website. As uncomfortable, un-unified, un-branded, and non-cohesive as it is. As counter as it is to everything that's been mind-fucked into my brain by over a decade producing content on social media (not to mention a lifetime of white-knuckling my way through "passing" as non-neurodivergent...desperately trying to figure out how to present). So yeah. I italicized and underlined that sentence instead of getting my writing done. But it did mean something to me.↩

I become overwhelmed with how to track everything I change on my website. (I DO NOT GET GIT). Really, though, I'm overwhelmed about how to track anything in my life—primarily because I feel compelled to track everything. And I do so with an intensity and level of detail that becomes problematic. My intentions are always to keep order, records...for the tracking to be helpful, functional. But I blow past functional/helpful and into a level of excessive and convoluted complexity that becomes its own problem. And then I'm "stuck"...beholden to continue the logging and tracking in the over-engineered system I created. I can't seem to find the "just enough" point for tracking. I have a whole database I made to track my health record (my symptoms, medications, labs results, visits, etc). And that IS important to have tracked. Because doctors want to know when X, Y, or Z, started/stopped. And I need to be able to (hopefully) get somewhere in the broken, fractured, myopically-over-specialized labyrinth of our medical system. Which means, essentially, devoting an excessive amount of time to tracking.↩

Okay, I'm trying really hard not to give any fucks about Google Page Speed. (Aside from if the website's performance is actually impacting real-world user experience or accessibility). But I still get a pit in my stomach if I run that test and see anything but green.
      The custom font on this site was (and is) causing delays and a layout shift as it's coming from a CDN rather than being hosted locally. I tried hosting locally, but as Bear media is itself delivered via CDN, I can't truly host the font. And, in fact, Bear's CDN caused a lower score. I did get some improvement by moving the font calling (is that a term??) to the header and some prefetch stuff (thanks to the very lovely Viktor Novikov) BUT...it still wasn't always a "green" scores. So, after much mucking about, I was on the verge of changing to a different font (a Google Font), that returned a better score but lacked the personality of my favored font (Satoshi) and just...wasn't...as..."me." Luckily, I ran this whole "existential font identity crisis" by my friend Keenan, who gave me the wise counsel to essentially fuck Google and stick with the font I like (though they said it in a much more thoughtful, thorough, wise, and well-composed way).↩

Amused if anyone actually comes to see the deets on this. But here you are: h1: 2.6rem -> 2.4rem; h2: 2.3rem -> 2rem; h3: 1.9rem -> 1.8rem; body 1.3rem -> 1.2rem↩

So the font on this site is BIG. And I like it. It feels...welcoming and roomy. BUT, on my tiny-ass phone screen it was a LOT of scrolling to get through just the title of my first post (granted, it's an excessively long title...though shorter than the second...🤷🏻‍♀️). So, I did want to make it a little more manageable on tiny screens (even though I highly encourage Desktop viewing of the web).
     BUT, given my brain being my brain, I went down a lengthy rabbit hole starting with which breakpoint to use, then delving into debates about the use of breakpoints, and into more dynamic ways to size text like fluid type scales, flexible layouts, progressive enhancements, and letting the browser determine layout rather than using media queries at all, etc, etc, etc.
      This is where I’d typically feel I needed to dig in and fully understand and implement high-level web development practices, taking a few courses and reading multiple guides...but for once I pulled out and chose an arbitrary media query break point (for now, I told myself), and made the font a bit smaller at max-width: 768px.🎉 (I also added a comment into my style.css at this point if you wanna hunt it down...)↩

If you're curious (but why?): h4: 1.5rem -> 1.7rem; h5 1.13 rem -> 1.5 rem↩

Hey hi. I'm Autistic with an ADHD booster pack (often referred to as the awkwardly-try-and-pronounce-it "AuDHD"). For anyone unfamiliar with the term "neurodivergent," it refers to natural neurological variations of human brain function. Essentially, my brain is "wired differently." I talk more about my neurodivergence in most of my writing on this very site (which I also sometimes feel uncomfortable about). Might I recommend this piece about me being a BIG ASS BAG for a little dip into what it's like in my particular neurodivergent pool?↩

Okay, let' not get too full of ourselves...much of me thinks it is absurdly self-inflated to call this Change(log) art or poetry (even tough technically I'm saying I want it to be, not that it is...). But part of me thinks the art world is utter total subjective bullshit when it comes to who decides what is and is not "worthy".
So...¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ = ART!↩

I feel kinda disgusting about how self-help bullshit this sentiment sounds. I mean it sincerely, but good god...🤮↩